The Parable of the $100 bill – Commentary by Steve Scroggins

The greatest Teacher of all time was in the habit of telling stories in order to make a point. Obviously, my skills pale in comparison, but, with your kind indulgence, I'll give it a try anyway.

Once upon a time....
there was a king in the land of peaches and cream, and he decided to take a $100 bill from a citizen's wallet. The citizen caught him red handed. The king handed the $100 to his royal court, sometimes called the "capitol gang." They were a large group.

The citizen was understandably outraged and confronted the king and court. "Give me my $100 back," he demanded.

"OK," said the king, "How about this $3 bill? It's all nice and new and blue. Now we're square."

"Wait a minute," the citizen said, "I'm not taking this blue $3 bill, I want my $100 back."

"Tough toenails," said the king, "the court has spoken."

The citizen grabbed the king and the closest dozen or so gang members and punched their lights out. They were now out of the fight and out of the picture. Then the citizen turned to the rest, "I said, I want my $100 back."

A new gang leader stepped forward. "Let me tell you what. Make me king and I promise that you and your family can have a vote to get your $100 back. Yall can vote whether you want this nice, shiney, new and blue $3 bill or your $100 bill."

The citizen thought about this, This is stupid, I just want my stolen $100, but he went along since he was tired from whipping the previous king and a dozen others. "OK," the citizen said, choking back his outrage, "We'll vote."

The new king was coronated in a nice ceremony and the people rejoiced...at least they were rid of the old thieving king.

After the nice banquet, the citizen stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Uh, 'scuse me, but I'm here about my $100 bill."

"Oh yes, wait just a minute," the new king said, "Let me confer with my gang." The citizen patiently waited as they went into a back room and shut the door. There was shouting at first, then all the citizen heard was whispering and chuckles and finally raucous laughter and back-slapping.

The new king emerged from the back room and announced, "OK, we have a great deal for you. This will settle the matter once and for all. You and your family can vote to choose between this shiney new and blue $3 bill or this shiney new and red $9 bill."

"What??!!?? the citizen shouted in outage. "This is a ripoff! This is an insult!

The king's scribe, with a royal blue "AJC" embroidered on his cap, stepped forward and unrolled his scroll and cleared his throat. "So, let it be written, so let it be done. Oh, happy day. The Issue is settled."

"Huh?" said the citizen.

A loud gong sounded, then the king's cryer stepped forward on the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce balcony overhead and trumpets sounded. "Oh, happy day. The issue is settled, or will be settled when the citizen and his family choose between the blue $3 bill or the shiney new and red $9 bill. We thank the king and his gang for listening to our wise counsel on this matter." The cryer gazed lovingly at the king and gave him a wink. "That is all, citizen family, you may return to your humble domiciles until the vote is held."

"Huh?" said the citizen. He turned to demonstrate his displeasure on the king only to see that the king had ducked behind a locked gate posted with armed guards. "It ain't over," said the citizen, "this king will have to deal with me, his day is coming..no matter how long it takes."

Ten months later.... a rider came galloping into the village and reined in his lathered mount. "We have news from the country side, citizen family!" he shouted. As citizen family members gathered around, he explained the news. "We have polls from the other villages which tell us that many want the ugly blue $3 bill. If you don't vote for the shiney new $9 bill, you may get stuck with the ugly blue $3 bill."

Some family members had not been paying attention, and a general clamor of alarm spread quickly. "What should we do? What should we do?...."

INTERMISSION

There you have it folks. Sorry for the "cliffhanger," but you'll have to wait for the rest of the story until it unfolds.

The citizen now has a choice to make. OR NOT MAKE. Which one would you choose? You can now choose between a blue $3 bill or a nice new red $9 bill. Go ahead, choose.

  

"Huh? What do you mean you want another choice?"

It seems that a lot of the folks in Atlanta are convinced you'll choose the $9 bill or the $3 bill and that will be the end of it.

Apparently, there are a number of Georgians who are willing to accept this insult. There are some who would be happy to keep the shiney new and red $9 bill. Some would prefer to get their blue $3 bill back. Some didn't even know they had a $100 bill in the first place.

But most folks, I'll wager, want their $100 bill. Like any family, no one choice will please EVERY member of the household. There's a flaky aunt and a doofus uncle in every family. They're a pain in the neck, but you love them and want them to have a place in the family. So, you hold a FAIR Vote and let the majority decide. Right?

OR...do you allow the bossy, fat, rich uncle who wears smelly cologne and lives in Atlanta to choose for everyone (by rigging the choices)?? Hmmmm....

To be continued...

Steve Scroggins is Adjutant of the Lt. James T. Woodward Camp 1399, Sons of Confederate Veterans, in Warner Robins, GA and a frequent GHC contributor of parody and political cartoons and graphics.